Blue and Gold Tie (Or Do They?)

By R. Inkrat, Toronto Globe & Mail

FALMOUTH, MAINE, JULY 27, 2011 - The Blue and Gold clubs played to a 4-4 draw this morning in a thrilling Morning Hockey club match.  Or at least that is what the scoreboard showed at the end of regulation time.

However, some Blue players claimed afterward that they in fact had won by a 5-4 score, which was never verified and for which they were unable to present any conclusive proof.

A nifty goal by Pete "The Poacher" Eremita with minutes left to play officially knotted the score at 4-4 as Gold overcame an early lead by Blue.  Blue then attacked furiously seeking the apparent winner, barely missing at the last second as a loose puck slid through keeper Glenn Michaels' crease only to be tipped just wide.  Both Michaels and Gold net minder Jim Secunde played excellent games, turning away quality bids from both squads.

The match also saw the welcome return to action of Gold blue liner Mike "Cuzzie" Cousins, after a six week absence nursing an injury and renegotiating his contract with agent Scott Boris's help.

Blue will have 72 hours after the final buzzer to file a formal request for review of the scoreboard tally. If they do, all players in the game will be required to submit to polygraph examinations at league headquarters.

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As Lockouts Threaten Fans Look to MHC for Relief

By Sal Palantonio, ESPN

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, JULY 24, 2011 - With no firm deal yet for the NFL season, and a strike or lockout looming for the NBA, sports fans everywhere are thanking their lucky stars for the Morning Hockey Club, which despite the odd controversy, continues to provide fans of sports worldwide with the purest and best competition available anywhere.

Although the excitement of the Cardinal Richelieu Cup Playoffs has subsided somewhat, hockey fans and sports fans generally eagerly follow the ice hockey exploits of the Morning Hockey Club and fan favorites like Jim Secunde, Matt Noone, Gerry Nadeau, Pete Eremita and, for the Scandinavians especially, Eric Lagios.

As the club enters a new week of play, some concerns continue to be raised about the eligibility of Gold Weasel players who apparently competed in the Cardinal Richelieu series without proper credentials.  NCAA spokesperson T. R. Anscripts said today,  "Even though the MHC is not a collegiate program, or is at best composed of former college hockey has beens, we at the NCAA take any actual or imaginary violation of player credentialing very, very seriously and we intend to investigate it thoroughly."  If the NCAA finds recruiting violations by the Gold Weasels that could result in sanctions, including the revocation of their recent Cup win.

And there is also lingering turmoil over Secunde's apparent violation of Club rules concerning proper treatment of the sacred Richelieu Cup.  Secunde has been fined $1B and 98 cents, which he has said he intends to pay "easily" with the raising of federal stimulus monies that would otherwise be dedicated to a scientific study of fisher flatulism in the Northeast woods.  An interesting side note, the fisher is a member of the weasel family, so the use of the grant funds to keep a Weasel on the ice seems fitting.

Gold Weasel player/coach Matt Noone is taking the matter seriously.

"We have discussed it and we have agreed that one year’s salary ($.23) will be forfeited for the upcoming season," Noone said in response to a reporter's question.  "The cup also will be returned to me and Jim has been fined 2 beers of my choice at a local watering hole of my choice.  I will be there Monday, have been fighting a bad neck strain, but will be there Monday to comment further."  A crush of media is expected at tomorrow's contest to follow up.

Fortunately for lovers of sport throughout the land and around the world,when the players get on the ice all of this is forgotten and sport at its purest and best is on display.  With no certainty of an NFL season and no NBA likely, thank goodness for the MHC!

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$1B Fine to Secunde Overshadows Yellow MHC Win

Special Report by R. Inkrat, Reuters Hockey and International Affairs Correspondent

FALMOUTH, MAINE, July 21, 2011 – The Morning Hockey Club has fined goalie Jim Secunde $1,000,000,000.98 for a violation of league Rule 34.55-T (H) (7), “Irreverence Toward A Club Relic,” for desecrating the revered Richelieu Cup over the weekend, overshadowing a dramatic 7-5 win by the Yellow squad Wednesday morning.

Secunde was the first Gold Weasel to have the Cup for a day after Friday’s official Cup presentation ceremony.  Gold Weasel player/coach Matt Noone bestowed the honor on Secunde in recognition of his stellar goaltending in the Weasels’ run to the Cup.   

However, over the weekend Secunde circulated a picture of himself lounging in a lawn chair beside a fire pit with the famed flagon lying in the ashes.  It produced widespread outrage in hockey circles. Worse, Brother Etienne DuFond, the emissary of Les Gardiens de la Coup Richelieu who escorted the world famous cup to the United States from France, still in Federal custody after an incident at Customs in New York,  issued a bitter statement against Secunde’s actions upon seeing the images online and threatened if released to find Secunde to teach him a lesson. “Je vais lui botter le cul,” Du Fond threatened, “I will kick his ass.”

League officials imposed the substantial fine in order to stave off an international incident and in hopes of protecting Secunde from worse retaliation by Les Gardiens.   

 According to official sources the normal fine for such an action would be $1 billion and the $0.98 addition was for the smirk on Secunde’s face.  Secunde was unflappable as usual, and stated he would have “no problem” raising the fine from Federal Stimulus Monies available to the waste recycling industry.

Meanwhile the Yellow Club posted a dramatic 7-5 win over Blue Wednesday morning.  Leo “the lion” Iacopucci’s late goal to give Yellow a 6-5 lead proved to be the game winner, as the final 7-5 tally resulted from a rink length slap shot into an empty net by Alec Newcomb after Blue pulled standout goalie Glenn Michaels in a desperate bid for a tie.  Yellow was anchored by goalie Walt “The Wall” Leland, filling in for Secunde, who obviously did not dare show his face at the rink after his weekend prank.

The see-saw contest included a controversial incident when yellow was up 2-1 and blue appeared to tie the score at 2-2 on an apparent goal by GM Gerry Nadeau, but it was later ruled his shot from a scramble in front had hit the post and not gone in.  "They said it hit the post," Nadeau commented after the game.  Asked if he would be protesting the call, Nadeau was characteristically magnanimous saying, "No, it's over, so let it stand."  Blue overcame an early yellow lead and actually took the lead itself at 5-4 before yellow came back and set up the Iacopucci winner.

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Official Text of Richelieu Award Released

PORTLAND, MAINE, JULY 18, 2011 - The official text of the congratulatory telegram issued to the Gold Weasels by the Gardiens de la Coup Richelieu, read at the award ceremony on Friday, has been released for publication.  The full text appears as follows, with the translation after the official text in French.

Aux Belettes D’Or de la part de Frère Louis Philippe Richelieu, Honore des Gardiens de La Coup Richelieu:

Mes Chères Frères,

C’est un grand plaisir de vous envoyé mes félicitations et me veux les plus chaleureux a l’occasion do votre victoire si doux et bien gagne, et de vous présenter l’honneur la plus grande, La Coup Richelieu!

Les Gardiens de la Coupe sont si fiers de nos fils de L’équipe Ballettes D’Or, qui incorporaient  toutes les qualités plus importantes de notre ancêtre Le Cardinal Richelieu, en gagnant la guerre contre les Chiens Bleus.  

 Notamment :

·        Au début vous  avez établir les équipes afin que les Chiens Bleus n’avez aucun opportunité de gagner.  Notre remerciment especial a M. le Captain Noone qui manque tellement le but.

·        Vous avez collé au premier principe Machiavel – gagnez, n’importe quel le cout !

·        Votre hockey était assez sale et vous le jouiez justement a fin d’éviter la déqualification.

·        Finalement, comme Le Cardinal soi-même, vous avez employé la force nécessaire do bien écraser « chiens-cochons » bleus et de les détruire complètement leur esprits !

·        Et de toute façon, ca nous plait bien aussi que vous avez vaincue M. Iaccapucci – on n’aime pas tellement ces Italiens !

Bien Fait! Felicitations!

To The Weasels of Gold on the part of Brother Louis Philippe Richelieu, honored of the Guards of the Cup Richelieu:

My Dear Brothers, 

This is a great pleasure to you sent my congratulations and I want the most warm as to have the opportunity to do your victory so sweet and so well earned, and to present to you the greatest honor, ours that is to give, the Cup Richelieu!

The guards of the Cup are so proud of our sons of the Team Weasels of Gold, which in your play of hockey embodied all the qualities most important of our ancestor the Cardinal Richelieu, in winning the war against the Dogs of Blue. 

Qualities of which notably:

·        From the outset you made such teams so that the Blue Dogs have no opportunity to win.  Appreciation special to M. le Captain Noone who with the puck shoots so wide of  net.

·        You stuck as glue to the first principle of Machiavelli - win, no matter the cost! 

·        Your hockey was enough dirty but not so dirty that it stop the game and out you get kicked.

·        Finally, as did the Cardinal himself-even, you used the necessary strength to well crush the pig-dogs of blues and to destroy them completely the sprits and the minds!

·        And in any case, do we like well also that you have beaten down Mr. Iaccapucci as we do not like so much this Italians! 

Well done! Congratulations!

Gidge Reads the Telegram

DOGS BITE BACK 9-7

DOGS BITE BACK

FALMOUTH, MAINE, July 18, 2011 - Morning Hockey Club Blue Dogs, apparently taking advantage of the fact the Gold Weasels celebrated too hard Friday, beat the yellow peril 9-7  this morning to turn the tide from their Richelieu Cup defeat in the recently concluded playoffs.

The canines jumped to an early 4-0 lead before the Weasels came to life and eventually knotted the score.  After that it was a see saw confrontation until Blue ultimately pulled ahead to stay.

Several Weasels were missing, probably still partying from Friday night’s Richelieu Cup awards ceremony.   Brian Linscott played a good game in the losing effort for Yellow.

More photos from the event appear below.

 Jim Secunde Receives the Cup

Secunde Desecrates the Cup

In a shocking development, Jim "Red Light" Secunde, pictured above, who was given the Cup first by player/coach Matt Noone, apparently failed to appreciate the sacred trust handed to him.  He is seen above placing the famed flagon in his home fire pit.  League officials are calling on Noone to retrieve the cup immediately and see to it from now it that it gets the proper respectful treatment it is due (assuming that is possible with a collection of players bearing the moniker Weasels).

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Weasels Receive Richelieu Cup

By R. Inkrat, for the Hockey News
Photos by Susan Dench

PORTLAND HARBOR, MAINE, JULY 15, 2011-  Despite trans Atlantic travel, a customs snafu, litigation, and scandal over violations of the league salary cap and allegations of substance abuse, the Gold Weasels of the Morning Hockey Club received the coveted Cardinal Richelieu Cup in a dockside ceremony at DeMillo's floating restaurant in the city tonight.

Good sport that he is, though reluctantly, GM Gerry Nadeau received the cup from representatives of Les Gardiens de la Coupe Richelieu and delivered to Weasel player/manager Matt "Dipsey-Doodle-Dandy " Noone.

 The one and only Matt Noone clings to the Cup

 Noone, overcome with emotion, received the cup and almost immediately turned it over to goalie Jim "Redlight" Secunde, winner of the Vespucci Trophy, saying, "Our goalie should be the first one to carry the cup."  Following tradition the Cup will be passed from Weasel to Weasel until all have had it for at least one day, after which it will be turned over to GM Nadeau for safekeeping and custody until the next playoff series.

It was a spirited moment for the Gold Weasels in attendance.  "This is the moment you dream of," said Weasel forward Steve Freese. "I've waited for this this my whole life."  Moments like this do take players back to childhood memories of playing street hockey and imagining themselves one day actually raising the famed flagon in their own right.

Of course, looking ahead to the next series, Blue Dog players, while gracious during the obscene and excessive celebrations of the Weasels, were resolved in their determination that it would be they, and not the rat pack, raising the cup the next time.  "Just wait," Nadeau promised, "you will see next time.  It will be different."

One delightful extra benefit was the celebration of the 53rd birthday of JJ Mokarzel, who shared his personal fete with the MHC players.  "There's no one I'd rather spend it with," he said.  Mokarzel was a key player for the Blue Dogs in defeat, but was stunned to find himself traded to the Yellow Peril after the playoffs when sniper Tom Golebiewski was sent to Blue to cure a flagrant salary cap violation by Yellow.

JJ Celebrates with wife Karen and his kids

Yellow stalwart Richard "Gidge" Veilleux read a congratulatory telegram written in French from the religious brothers who had sent the Cup to the States.  We will be posting the complete text and the simultaneous translation shortly.

 Brian Linscott hoists the Cup as Tom Golebiewski and Gidge Veilleux watch

Matt Fitzgerald celebrates

TRO DENIED!

PORTLAND, MAINE, July 15, 2011 - Federal judge D. Brock Hornby has denied the TRO sought by the Blue Dogs to restrain the awarding of the Cardinal Richelieu Cup in Portland later today.

Citing legal principles applicable to such requests for emergency relief, Hornby issued a terse one page decision after a hastily convened hearing this morning, saying, "the harm to the public, and hockey fans in particular, of denying the celebratory awarding of the Cup would greatly outweigh any harm to the Blue Dogs of the MHC that granting the relief requested would prevent.  I cannot deny hockey fans all over the world the benefits of this historic event on the mere theory that the playoffs might have been tainted by a technical violation of the salary cap."

Lawyers for both sides were mum after the proceeding.  The ceremony should go off as planned, although a new controversy is simmering, as Blue star Leo "The Lion" Iaccopuci has raised the question whether the performance of the Yellow squad was affected by performance enhancing drugs.  A thorough investigation is expected.

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Legal Challenge Filed Against Richelieu Award

By R. Inkrat, Associate Press Hockey Writer

PORTLAND, MAINE, JULY 14, 2011 - This reporter has learned from court sources that the Morning Hockey Blue Dogs have filed an emergency suit in the United States District Court here, seeking a temporary restraining order to prevent the awarding of the Cardinal Richelieu Cup to the MHC Gold Weasels tomorrow.

According to court documents filed electronically tonight, the Blue hounds allege that the entire playoff series was invalid due to the Yellow team's violation of the league salary cap when it stacked its roster for the playoffs through the machinations of player coach Matt "Dipsey Doodle Dandy" Noone.  League rules set a strict limit of $1.98 per team in total salaries. The suit papers allege that the salaries of the three stars of the Gold rodents, Noone, Pete Eremita, and Tom Golebiewski, totaled "far in excess of $1.98, though the full amount can be determined only after discovery is complete."  Golebiewski, who won the Art Dross Trophy as the overall leading scorer after the playoffs, is rumored to have received more than $1.00 in total salary, endorsements, and bonus from the Yellows just by himself.

The suit was filed by Blue squad member and attorney Bryan Dench, purportedly with the assistance of renowned sports law expert Peter Carlisle,who was frequently paired with Dench on the blue line for the Blue canines.

The pleadings ask for an emergency "ex parte" temporary restraining order to prevent the award of the cup at tomorrow's ceremony scheduled to begin at the Portland waterside docks at 4:00 EDT.  Court sources were unable to say when the court might act on the TRO request and so it could be right up to the time for the ceremony before anyone can know for sure if the ceremony will be allowed to proceed.

Evidence of the salary cap violation only came to light after the playoffs, when Yellow was compelled to trade Golebiewski to the Blue squad in exchange for canny veteran JJ Mokarzel.  The suit names the entire Gold Weasel squad as defendants, many of whom are experienced at evading service of legal process, so it may be difficult for the Blues to get everyone before the court or to serve any order the court issues.  To be effective, a TRO must actually be served on the person or persons it restrains.

No Gold Weasel, not even the usually talkative Brian Linscott, could be reached for comment.

Developing . . . . . . . .

Richelieu Cup Clears Customs - But Not Without Controversey

By R. Inkrat, Hockey News Reporter

NEW YORK CITY, JULY 13, 2011 - The famed Cardinal Richelieu Cup, en route from Paris to Portland, Maine, for the Morning Hockey Club playoff awards ceremony, was finally released by United States Customs officials in the Port of New York, but not without controversy. 

The Cup must be accompanied by a member of the religious order that acts as its guardian between MHC award ceremonies, and Brother Etienne Du Fond, who was dressed in clerical garb of the 16th century, drew the notice of Department of Homeland Security inspectors at the Port Authority building as he stood alongside the container holding the Cup.  When they approached him to question him, Du Fond clutched the Cup crate and refused to let go. Since he speaks no English, and the DHS inspectors spoke no French, the situation quickly escalated out of hand.

"The guy just freaked," said DHS Under Deputy Provisional Assistant Secretary for New York James P. O'Malley.  "I think he thought we were trying to take the cup.  He just kept hollering at us in that Frenchy language he talks."

Bystanders reported Du Fond was loudly saying, "Non, ne touchez pas le Coup Richelieu!!  Vous etes fou!"  Loosely translated, this is, "Don't touch the Richelieu Cup.  You're crazy!"

O'Malley pointed out that DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano has been raising the threat levels and alert status for terrorist activities by fanatical Christians, and certainly Du Fond, dressed as he was in odd appearing but obviously clerical clothes, set off alarms in everyone's mind. 

In any case, this reporter has verified that the Cup is now en route North toward Portland despite the delays.  Many are concerned that it will be difficult to assure its arrival in time for the award ceremony on Friday.  But the escort of FBI and local police with the Cup can be expected to help.

Du Fond remains in custody in an undisclosed location, rumored to be Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, though neither DHS nor the Department of Justice would confirm that.

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SALARY CAP FORCES MHC ROSTER REALIGNMENT

(Reprinted by permission of the New York Times Newspapers)

By R. Inkrat, special to the New York Times

PORTLAND, MAINE, Sunday, July 10, 2011 – Morning Hockey Club GM Gerald P. “Gerry” Nadeau has announced a stunning realignment of the Gold and Blue MHC rosters, forced by a Gold violation of the league salary cap, which casts a long shadow over planned Richelieu Cup festivities later in the week.

High flying forward Thomas Golebiewski (pictured above, front, 2d from left) has been dealt to the Blue Dogs in order to bring the Gold Weasels into compliance with the league salary cap of $1.98 per team.  It was discovered by league officials that when the salaries of the top three players were combined on the Weasel squad the team was not in compliance.

“The only difference really is the top 3 players are now split up,” GM Nadeau said.  This leaves Matt Noone and Pete Eremita on the Weasel side that, with Golebiewski, had surprisingly swept the playoff series against the Blue canines to win the highly prized Richelieu Cup, which even now is en route from Paris, France, to this city for the trophy award ceremonies on Friday.

Does this scandal call into question the legitimacy of the Weasel win?  Many are asking the question.

“I think it totally de-legitimizes it, yes,” said ESPN hockey savant Barry Melrose, in town for the awards fete.  “How can a team loaded with talent bought in violation of a league rule be considered the winner of a tournament?” Melrose added.

Noone, who also serves as Weasel President, and who assembled the tournament roster for the wily Weasels before Cup play began, was unavailable for comment.  With Golebiewski, Noone was a part of a scoring one-two punch that led Gold throughout the series.  It remains to be seen where this controversy will go.

RICHELIEU CUP BEGINS JOURNEY TO THE STATES

By R. Inkrat, Special to the Morning Hockey News

PARIS, FRANCE, July 8, 2011 – The Cardinal Richelieu Cup is on its way to Portland, Maine, for the official ceremony awarding it to the Morning Hockey Club Gold Weasels, who prevailed in the Richelieu Cup playoffs ended last week.

Les Gardiens de la Coup Richelieu, the French secret society of breakaway clerics who maintain the security and safety of the Cup between playoff series, confirmed today that the Cup has been removed from the vault at the Palais Royale in Paris, France, and sent under armed guard to the Charles de Gaulle Airport for the flight to New York City.  From there the Cup goes on to Portland, Maine, where the official cup ceremony will take place one week from today.

“Oui, le Coup Richelieu est a la route a les Etats Unis,” confirmed Brother Louis Philippe Richelieu, the great, great, great grandson of the infamous Cardinal himself, and the spiritual leader of Les Gardiens.  He declined to confirm the exact route the Cup would take from downtown Paris to the airport or to provide further details and would not give any description of the Cup itself.  Photographs are strictly prohibited, and so it is expected no one will see the cup until it is actually presented by GM Gerry Nadeau next Friday night.   

Those who have seen it describe it as a silver ewer (large pitcher or jug, derived from Middle English, from Anglo-French ewer, ewier, from Latin aquarium water source, neuter of aquarius of water, from aqua water) approximately 12-18” in height, with the Cardinal's monogram “C” emblazoned on the front.

The famous flagon is named after Armand Jean du Plessis, Cardinal-Duc de Richelieu (1585-1642) noted for his political intriguing in 17^th Century France. The nobleman acted as the first minister for King Louis XIII.  Known as "The Red Eminence," Richelieu, though a man of the cloth, had a reputation for wily political intrigue and bested many political rivals, including the King’s own mother, Marie de Medici, who lost a power struggle with Richelieu and was sent into exile.  Though some observers question naming the MHC playoff trophy after such a rascal, it seems fitting to award it to a team named the Gold Weasels.

Hockey fans worldwide are in a state of high excitement as the cup award ceremonies loom for next Friday the 15^th.  “I can’t wait to hear the Weasels chanting, ‘we got the cup,’ said one seemingly inebriated fan coming out of the Seaman’s Club in Portland’s Old Port this morning.  He refused to give his name.  The Weasels swept the Blue Dogs in four games to take the Cup.

Your correspondent will attend the Cup ceremony and full details will be provided in this space.

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Triumpant Return for Michaels

By R. Inkrat, Special to Morning Hockey News

FALMOUTH, MAINE, JULY 6, 2011 - Veteran goal keeper Glenn Michaels returned to the Morning Hockey Club ice this morning and defended his goal like the force shield on a Star Trek spaceship, as the Blue Meanies skated to an 8-4 victory in front of him.  Michaels, who has been out for weeks with a nagging toe problem, was in great form today and registered many fine saves to frustrate the Gold attack.

Blue team officials were, as usual, mum about the nature and extent of the malady that kept Michaels out of action, but Morning Hockey News has obtained the following picture of him during his confinement, and it is rumored the condition was or included gout.

At the other end of the ice, star netminder Jim Secunde was also sold, but Gold was able to score in bunches to seal the deal.

All paid tribute to Walt "The Wall" Leland for outstanding goaltending during Michaels' time on the DL.

With many players absent play got chippy at times, and Gold's brilliant forward, Leo "the Lion" Iacopucci in particular seemed to be laid out on the ice again and again.  Trooper that he is, he shrugged it off, but Gold's attack was frustrated repeatedly by good defending from blue and the strong performance of Michaels.

Meanwhile a scandal may be brewing as many are wondering how it is that superstar forward Peter "Pete" Eremita is able to play hockey every morning before "going to work" at what some critics are calling a no show job.  "I'd like to know how much [GM Gerry] Nadeau is paying him on the side," commented one player on condition of anonymity.  Eremita for his part laughed off the rumor mongering.  Recruiting scandals have so far not been a problem for the MHC but this one may be taking on a life of its own.  We will watch developments closely.

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