Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Secunde Hangs Up His Pads

By R. Inkrat, Special to Pravda
 
FALMOUTH, MAINE, DECEMBER 4, 2012 - The Morning Hockey Club will be losing one of the great all time goaltenders according to an announcement by league GM Gerald Nadeau yesterday.  The brief statement issued by the MHC began, "Jimmy “the Glove” Secunde has decided to hang up his goalie pads.  He has some back issues that could become serious if he continues bouncing around between the pipes."
 
This is the second net minding great forced to give up the backstopping role in recent years, as fans worldwide remember the recent retirement of Glenn Michaels over similar health issues.

Among other achievements during his stellar puck stopping career, Secunde led the legendary Gold Weasels to their successful run to capture the inaugural Cardinal Richelieu Cup series.  A converted forward, Secunde applied himself with unparalleled diligence to the art of getting hit with the puck and often amazed with his dazzling saves and position play, especially those patented helmet and face mask stops.

With characteristic modesty, Secunde said, "I had more fun than you could imagine, just a little disappointed I could never play quite as well as I wanted." 

The good news is that Secunde will continue to skate with the MHC, returning to the forward position come springtime.  "I'm hoping to work my way back into some sort of aerobic fitness, so I'll be there for the upcoming Monday skates, and will probably poach a few other sessions here and there, as well."   

"Jim, we can’t thank you enough for the effort you put in," Nadeau said, "your sense of humor and the great attitude you have while playing, we all should take note. You’re a great sport and we’ll miss you."

Secunde's career was not without controversy, however, as he was subjected to the largest fine in MHC history over the Richelieu Cup for "desecration of a relic" when he placed the eulogized ewer in his fire pit and posed for a photo that due to his celebrity quickly went viral.  He has been working off the $ 1 billion fine ever since and was reportedly considering taking up a career as a male model to garner the cash needed to retire it.  In a surprise move, however, league officials have announced that given Secunde's decision to trade goalie pads for shin pads the fine is being forgiven.  Neither Secunde nor league officials would comment for the record but anonymous sources confirm that the league decided to remit the penalty in recognition of Secunde's other contributions to Morning Hockey.

The MHC also announced that another outstanding forward, Jamie Paschal, who has been filling in ably for Secunde here and there, will be taking over in net on both Monday and Wednesday going forward.  Paschal's early performances have shown he will be a capable successor to Secunde and all MHC players welcomed the announcement.

We know all good things come to an end, but the semi retirement of Secunde is bittersweet for all MHC players and fans worldwide, who will miss his unique style between the pipes. "It's like when Bobby Orr retired," said MHC fan Shawn O'Hara of South Boston, "but maybe a little worse. But at least we know Jimmy will still be out there with the club."


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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Richelieu Cup Leads to Medical Breakthrough

By R. Inkrat, Special to the New England Journal of Medicine

FALMOUTH, MAINE - In addition to the excitement provoked everywhere it goes, the revered Cardinal Richelieu Cup has also now been a part of medical history, as it has been found to be key to a hitherto unknown treatment for shingles.

Morning Hockey Club Blue Dog scoring machine Gary DiLisio, also a qualified physician, discovered during his "day with the Cup" that the famed flagon was the perfect device for mixing and delivering a solution that treats the chronic condition successfully.  "I think it's something in the metal of the Cup," DiLisio said, "that creates a chemical reaction with the solution, increasing its effectiveness multiple times."
The Cup in the Hospital

Results are not all in yet but it appears the medicinal brew prepared in the Cup is also good for acid reflux, hemorrhoids, and erectile dysfunction, though control group testing on those conditions is not yet complete.  After metallurgical studies are finished on the Cup attempts will be made to duplicate its composition so that vessels with the same properties can be produced world wide.

Curiously, however, Dr. Fritz Freiling of the National Science Foundation, who is conducting the tests, reported that so far the scientists have not been able to determine with certainty the Cup's metallurgical properties let alone duplicate them. "Ve fear dat ze Cup is maybe one of a kind," Freiling said at a press conference yesterday.  So while the scientific and medical communities are hailing DiLisio's breakthrough, serious doubts about our ability to duplicate it linger. 

            The good doctor's experimentation with the Cup in veterinary applications proved less successful. DeLisio attempted to administer the solution to farm animals, using the Cup, but with little success.  "I think it has to be confined to humans," he remarked.
      Dr. "D" and unwilling "patient"

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Cup Celebrations Continue

FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 31, 2012 - Richelieu Cup fever continues to boil over as the Morning Hockey Club Blues have their individual "days with the cup," although the performance of individual hounds has been mixed at best.

Most recently, Cup MVP Walt Leland spent a couple of days with the famed flagon, but disappointed by providing no photos or video of the occasion. 

Likewise Blue sharpshooter Gerry Nadeau had the cup, and unaccountably chose to leave it in his mouldering hockey bag for a couple of days before turning it over to Jay Hallet (no reports from him as of this writing).  This is especially disappointing, as Nadeau is being sent to Hawaii to follow up on presidential birth certificate leads, and could have taken the Cup with him for suitable display!  Recall the honor paid to the Cup by Steve "Mr. Freeze" Freese when he spent his "days with the Cup" bringing the valued vessel to Las Vegas where throngs of MHC fans were waiting for the celebration.  Hockey lovers around the world are wondering whether some of these guys "get it."

Blue defense anchor Brian Linscott did better, bringing the cup to inspire a crowd of young soccer players, whose enthusiasm for the Cup triumph couldn't be contained.  Linscott is pictured below offering the impressionable youngsters a thrilling moment of opportunity to view and actually touch the historic trophy.


Brian Linscott (back to camera) Displays Richelieu Cup

"I think some of the guys are just worn out after the Cup series," said ESPN hockey pundit Barry Melrose.  "It takes so much out of you to win the Richelieu Cup.  That may explain why the celebrations this season are a little weak."

Hockey correspondents R. Inkrat, F. Inkrat, and D. Inkrat contributed to this story.
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Monday, October 15, 2012

MHC Bleus Post 7-4 Win, Take Richelieu Cup


By R. Inkrat, Morning Hockey Correspondent to the Chicago Sun Times
(c) 2012 by R. Inkrat, used without permission 

FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 15, 2012 - The Morning Hockey Blue Dogs rallied for a 7-4 win over the Gold Honey Badgers to claim the coveted Cardinal Richelieu Cup this morning.

In this second playoff series for the famed flagon the hounds won four in a row after an opening game tie, putting an exclamation mark on their post season sprint to the Cup.  The Cup awards ceremony followed immediately after the contest.

Playoff MVP Walt "The Wall" Leland was awarded the first tour with the "charmed chalice" after standing on his head all morning to thwart a determined Badger attack.  Leland made key save upon key save to limit the Gold sharpshooters to 4 markers.  At the other end of the ice, Jim Secunde was also brilliant as the multi-talented Blue forwards attacked in wave upon wave and peppered him with shots.

Gold opened the scoring and held an early 3-1 lead.  Les Bleus rallied, however, to knot it at 3-3 and then take a 4-3 lead.  Gold fought back to tie it 4-4.  The contest remained even for some minutes but gradually the persistent Blue offense, led by Gerry Nadeau, broke through for goals 5 and 6. 

Hockey analysts will be studying this series for months to come, but ESPN's veteran puck philosopher Barry Melrose observed, "It is becoming clear the key to Cup play is Brian Linscott.  Whichever team has Linscott wins."  In this the mullet-maned maven was correct, as Linscott won the cup last series with the Gold Weasels, as they were then known, and this time backstopped Blue in its successful Cup run.  Linscott, who seems to be suffering from a delusion about a team he was on coming back from a 3-0 deficit in some past playoff series, "played a good game" today and has been solid all series.

Canine JJ Mokarzel was in a celebratory mood after the tilt.  He visited the locker room occupied by several downcast Gold teammates to "look for a broom."  This prompted many observers to remember that in game 3 Mokarzel had been "lent" to Gold for the match, leading to speculation that his role may have been more saboteur than savior.  This is only one of several "irregularities" that will be investigated before the Cup win becomes official.  Meantime MHC records will reflect it with an asterisk.

That said, the Blue Dogs played a superb series and deserved to win.  We congratulate them and look forward to the next Cardinal Richelieu Cup playoff!
 
Leland (middle with Cup) and Blue Dogs Celebrate

 

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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Replacement Official Controversy Hits Morning Hockey

By F. Inkrat, Technical Correspondent to the Toronto Globe & Mail

FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 10, 2012 - This morning's Morning Hockey Club contest between the Gold and Blue squads ended with cross complaints of inaccurate scorekeeping after the mysterious appearance of a replacement scorekeeper.  When the final horn sounded, the scoreboard showed Gold ahead 10-9, but there are serious doubts about that score's accuracy.

The bizarre scoreboard kept during this morning's MHC tilt


The Blues pulled to an early 3-0 lead, only to have Gold rally but after the first 35 minutes the score was still 7-4 Blue.  "Then we scored at least two more goals that were never put up on the board," said Blue defenseman Bryan Dench.  Gold then "scored" a fifth goal that clearly appeared to ricochet off the iron and straight out but was tallied by replacement scorekeeper Paul Mullen, who inexplicably arrived at the rink and largely displaced regular scorekeeper and ombudsman Don Simms.

The Golden Oldies popped a series of quick goals and suddenly had a putative 8-7 lead that they then extended to 9-7.  The clubs exchanged goals and Blue kept battling to bring it to a recorded score of 10-9 before time ran out.

However, if the phantom Gold goal that actually hit the post were not counted, and if the two or more unrecorded moody Blue goals had been logged, the true score would have been 11-9 for the aged Azures.

Gold players interviewed after the tilt were reluctant to defend the scoring and none would speak for the record.  It is unclear what the explanation is for the apparent lockout of Simms and what action, if any, the Morning Hockey Club will take.


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Monday, October 8, 2012

Blue Dogs Take a Commanding Lead in Richelieu Series


By R. Inkrat, Illustrated Hockey News
 
FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 8, 2012 - Blue Dog ace Gerry Nadeau scored the first goal of the game and the Morning Hockey Club Blue Dogs never looked back, winning a hard fought contest 8-5 to take a commanding 3-0 lead in games in the celebrated Cardinal Richelieu Cup playoffs here today. 

          The mood in the Dog locker room was celebratory indeed on this Columbus Day holiday.  "No team in Morning Hockey history has ever come back from a 3-0 deficit," observed Blue defender William "Wild Bill" Arnold.  Of course, this was merely stating the obvious, as no MHC club has ever rallied from ANY deficit to win the cherished chalice.  The Gold Honey Badgers (f/k/a Weasels), who are the defending Richelieu champions, were resolved to turn the Titanic around, however, and pointed out that they were again short some of their key scoring snipers who were unable to make the match.

          The game was scoreless for nearly 10 minutes before Nadeau broke the ice to give the Dogs a 1-0 lead they never relinquished.  They led by as much as 7-2 before the Badgers clawed their way back to within three.  But the hounds held and the Badger comeback ran out of time as the final horn sounded.

          Badger forward Eric Lagios had the goal of the game taking an outlet pass the length of the rink to tuck the puck past stellar Blue netminder Walt "The Wall" Leland.  Gold got solid goaltending at the other end from Jim Secunde, who continues to play brilliantly despite financial problems caused by the $1 billion fine he is still working off for last year's sordid episode when he was pictured smirking at the famed flagon sitting in the ashes of his fire pit. 

Lagios tears in to score highlight goal

Play resumes next Monday with the Honey Badgers, backs to the wall, facing elimination, with only one chance left, seeing their series slip away, etc., etc.

 

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Sunday, October 7, 2012

Richelieu Cup Play Resumes Columbus Day!


By R. Inkrat, Morning Hockey Correspondent to Reuters

FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 7, 2012 - As New England shuts down for the Columbus Day holiday, all eyes will be on the Family Ice Center where Richelieu Cup playoff action resumes tomorrow. So far the series has been a real barn burner, with the Blue Dogs reportedly holding a 2-0 lead over the Gold Honey Badgers.

Game one saw a draw at 7-7, which, though controversial and still under review, set the tone.

Game two was a narrow 8-7 win by Blue on a last minute, literally, tip in by Gerry Nadeau.

Because your correspondent was on sick leave for scheduled Game three, it is impossible to verify that the game in fact took place.  Unconfirmed reports state that Gold was severely undermanned but had a comfortable two goal (the coach's nightmare) lead only to be overtaken by a flurry of unanswered Blue goals with time running down.  This improbable scenario struck most observers as too much to swallow.  However, assuming its veracity, this would give Blue a 2-0 series lead heading into tomorrow's contest.

With every game close and fiercely contested the hockey world is going to be watching closely to see whether the full Gold squad will "show up" and seize the momentum, or Blue will continue eking out wins.  No Morning Hockey club has recovered from a 3-0 deficit in Richelieu play, so the Honey Badgers are not going to want to let the Blue lead increase.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Bravo, Les Bleus!! Dogs Prevail 8-7 in Richelieu Cup Tilt


By R. Inkrat, Special Correspondent to The (Montreal) Gazette

FALMOUTH, MAINE, SEPTEMBER 24, 2012 - Last minute heroics are nothing new to Morning Hockey Blue Dog Gerry Nadeau, and he delivered again today, tipping in a shot from the point by Pete Carlisle to give Les Bleus a dramatic 8-7 win in Game 2 of the Cardinal Richelieu Cup playoffs here this morning.

Nadeau's dramatic game winner came with just 20 seconds left to play and nullified Matt Fitzgerald's game tying strike for the Gold Honey Badgers.  Fitzgerald fired a long shot that dipped and eluded Dog net minder Walt "The Wall" Leland, whose brilliant goaltending had enabled the blue squad to hold a powerful Gold attack in check for much of the contest.  Fitzgerald got the puck near the blue line and let go a shot that seemed almost like a knuckle ball as it dropped and skittered through Leland's five hole with a little over three minutes on the clock.

Les Bleus then mounted a furious attack on Gold that the flashing glove and pads of Jim Secunde repelled time and again.  Like his Blue counterpart, Secunde was brilliant in the Badger cage, as both goal keepers amazed with tough save after tough save.  The game looked to be ending in a draw until Nadeau slashed through a seam in the slot to get his stick on Carlisle's point blast and tip it deftly into the net.

Fitzgerald was philosophical after the game and even congratulated Nadeau, calling out, "Nice tip in, !$%@&W%," in a great display of the noble spirit of the Richelieu Cup and Morning Hockey.

The Blue Dog win gives them a 1-0-1 series lead, as Game 1 ended in an 8-8 tie, which is still under protest.

 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Revered Relic Returns!!!!


The World Famous Cardinal Richelieu Cup
FALMOUTH, MAINE, SEPTEMBER 19, 2012 - The coveted Cardinal Richelieu Cup returned to the Family Ice Center arena this morning just a little bit worse for wear, and was on display rinkside throughout the Morning Hockey Club tilt won by Blue 7-4.

The Cup was brought to the arena by Steve Freese, who had taken the Cup on tour to Las Vegas last year as a member of the champion Gold Weasels.  Freese located the cup following a nationwide search and returned it to league custody in a triumphal ceremony before game time this morning to share with his teammates now in Blue.

Clearly the reflected glory of the refulgent relic energized the Blue squad as it took the contest in hand early and never faded despite aggressive attacking hockey by Yellow.

Richelieu Cup play resumed Monday but unaccountably the Cup was not delivered until today.  It will be rinkside for Monday's game two of the series.  Game one resulted in an 8-8 draw that is still under investigation.

The Cup shows evidence of slight damage at the base that has been repaired with an unknown substance.  The matter will be turned over to the French splinter group of religious monks that has had custody of the Cup since the death of Cardinal Richelieu himself, who was an ardent fan of ice hockey. 

Precautions were taken to keep the Famed Flagon well out of the reach of goal keeper Jim "Red Light" Secunde, who is still under a $1Bfine for his desecration of the ewer last year.

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Monday, September 17, 2012

Sidebar on Goal Tending


FALMOUTH, MAINE - The opening game of the celebrated Cardinal Richelieu Cup playoffs was marked by stellar, playoff quality goal tending at both ends of the ice.  Blue Dog netminder Walt "The Wall" Leland gave new meaning to the term, "take one for the team," as he literally took a puck off the ear midway through the contest and dropped to the ice in pain.  Fortunately, Leland was able to return to action and appears to have suffered no long term damage, though he showed me a long black mark on his goal helmet where the puck had struck the glancing blow.
Leland was seen playing a second game in goal following the Cup match, leading to the conclusion that he's either fine or, perhaps, crazy.
Gold Badger keeper Jim Secunde was also on his game at the other end of the ice, facing steady pressure from the formidable Dog attack and making save upon save.  He helped his defense by good rebound control and apparently suffered none of the jitters ,  many feared he would experience due to renewed demands for full payment of the $1B (yes, billion) fine imposed by the MHC last year for his "desecration" of the coveted Cup.  On his day with the cup, the Weasel back stop allowed himself to be photographed sitting by a fire pit in which the famed flagon sat.  Dissemination of the image provoked rioting worldwide and has placed Secunde on "the list" of Les Gardiens de la Coup Richelieu, a splinter religious order based in Paris, France.
"I spent the summer scrounging for bottles and cans on the side of the road, Secunde said.  "I bundled up several truckloads, and had them shipped to France. Don't tell me they didn't get there! I knew I shouldn't have trusted that guy from New Jersey."  He added, "Do I get any slack since I actually polished the Cup? Those French monks are tough." 

R. Inkrat

RICHELIEU CUP PLAY BEGINS WITH THRILLING 8-8 DRAW


RICHELIEU CUP PLAY BEGINS WITH THRILLING 8-8 DRAW

By R. Inkrat, Special to the Toronto Globe & Mail

FALMOUTH, MAINE, SEPTEMBER 17, 2012 - Bryant Field's shot from the point with less than a minute to play found its way into the goal to give the Morning Hockey Club Gold Honey Badgers (f/k/a Weasels) an 8-8 come from behind draw with the high flying Blue Dogs in the opening tilt of the long awaited Cardinal Richelieu Cup playoffs here today.  Controversy swirled about the game, however, as there were claims of inaccurate scorekeeping and the invocation of a little know rule that may change the outcome to a Badger win.

            Field worked his magic just moments after Dog sharpshooter Matt London had knotted the score at 8 with his third goal of the contest.  Badger sniper Tim Boardman was on fire, scoring four and back checking and fore checking over the entire ice sheet.  The see saw contest saw Blue take the early lead on back to back London markers, only to be tied and eventually to fall behind 7-6 on a Boardman tally.

            The Gold Honey Badgers were missing several key players who unaccountably failed to make it to the arena by game time.  Initially it was feared they were simply late and unable to make it into the Family Ice complex due to traffic and huge crowds.  But that did not turn out to be the explanation.  Gold captain Pete "Little Pete" Eremita was asked after the match whether a special rule applicable only to the Richelieu Cup may have actually called for goals to be added to the Gold tally, which would give them a win.  "I don't know.  I'm not sure," Eremita said sagely.  Both teams were missing key players but Gold was one player short compared to Blue.

            Under Article XXIV, Chapter 17B, Section 202.332, Subsection 202.332-N, Paragraph (a) (vii), Subparagraph K, during Richelieu Cup play only, "if at the drop of the puck the Gold team only shall be less numerous than the Blue team due to unexcused absences of players, then, in such event, there shall be added to the Gold team's final goal tally one (1) goal for each player less than the Blue team taking the ice for Gold during the contest."  The matter is under review by Ombudsman Don Simms.  If applicable the rule could possibly give Gold a 1-0 edge in the series, but as it stands now the draw leaves the squads in a dead heat.  This signals a high level of competition for the future course of the series, especially if both clubs can get their full rosters to the rink.

            Dogged Dog Defenseman Brian Linscott, always good for a memorable observation, thought for a long time when asked whether he had "had a good game."  "I hooked Boardman a couple of times," he said.

 

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Sunday, September 16, 2012

IT HAPPENED - NHL LOCKED OUT, BUT RICHELIEU CUP IS ON!!


By IRA PODELL

NEW YORK (AP) - The clock struck midnight, and the NHL turned into another sports league closed for business.  Fortunately, however, hockey fans will still be able to enjoy the sport's premier competition as the Morning Hockey Club was quick to announce the NHL lockout will have no effect on the Richelieu Cup playoff commencing tomorrow.

Unable to reach agreement on a new labor deal, the National Hockey League locked out its players at 12:01 a.m. Sunday, the third major pro sport to impose a work stoppage in the last 18 months, behind the NFL and NBA.
Meanwhile, the MHC Gold Honey Badgers and Blue Dogs were preparing for the long awaited start of the best of seven playoff for the coveted Cardinal Richelieu Cup.  The Honey Badgers (f/k/a Gold Weasels) are defending champs.

This is the fourth shutdown for the NHL since 1992, including a year-long dispute that forced the cancellation of the entire 2004-05 season when the league successfully held out for a salary cap.  NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman followed through on his longstanding pledge to lock out the players if no deal was in place.

Morning Hockey Club Commissioner Gerry Nadeau commented, "We tried to help the two sides out by suggesting the NHL adopt our compensation plan (MHC pays nothing and only imposes harsh player fines), but it didn't fly." 

"We have been suggesting our players apply for permission to play in the Richelieu Cup playoff," player association representative Steve Fehr said Saturday in a written statement. "Don Fehr, myself and several players on the Negotiating Committee were in the City of Portland and prepared to meet. The MHC said that it saw no purpose in having a meeting."

MHC director of player/personnel JJ Mokarzel said, "The NHL guys are great but we really don't need them.  Besides, our fans expect a higher caliber of play and we do not want to water down the product."

"It's a sad situation for everybody. Nobody wants to be in this spot," Detroit Red Wings defenseman Niklas Kronwall said. "We couldn't agree on a deal with them [Morning Hockey]. We see it one way, and they another way unfortunately."

On Friday, the Quebec labor relations board rejected a request from the players' association for a temporary injunction to require the Morning Hockey Club to accept NHL players. The board ruled that it had no jurisdiction over playoffs in the United States.

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Friday, September 14, 2012

My Telephone Interview with Richelieu Guardian


R. Inkrat, AP Hockey Writer
FALMOUTH, MAINE, SEPTEMBER 14, 2012 - Your correspondent was able to reach Brother Louis Philippe Richelieu, the great, great, great grandson of the infamous Cardinal himself, and the spiritual leader of Les Gardiens de la Coup Richelieu, the French secret society of breakaway clerics who maintain the security and safety of the Cup between playoff series.  I called him at approximately 8:00 p.m. Paris time.  I wanted to know whether  Bro. Etienne LaFond, who escorted the Cup to the States last year, would be on hand for the start of the Cup tournament next week, now that the Cup has been found and is being readied for Monday's tournament opener. 

The following is a verbatim transcript of our conversation:

Brother Louis Phillippe:                Allo, oui.

R. Inkrat:                   Hello, is this Brother Louis Phillippe Richelieu? 

BLP:                           Oui, yes.  Oo eez dis?

RI:                               I'm R. Inkrat, your sacredness, the special hockey correspondent assigned to cover the Morning Hockey Club Richelieu Cup series that starts Monday in America.

BLP:                           Ah, oui, yes.  I am very well aware of zee Coup playoffs.

RI:                               My French is not very good, your sacredness.  I hope you don't mind speaking to me in English.  I was calling to find out if you had learned the missing Richelieu Cup has been found.

BLP:                           Oh, yes, yes.  I have heard immediately the reports he eez found, yes.  Good thing that, for Monsieur Freese, he himself.

RI:                               Yes.  Any reaction?

BLP:                           Of course we, my brothers and I, are very happy the holy relic eez recovered.  I have also recalled the assassins.

RI:                               The what!?

BLP:                           The assassins.  You know, keelers?  Weez zee peestols?  Had zee Coup not been found him, we of course must have taken action to defend the sacred honneur de Cardinal Richelieu.  Pour la gloire de la France!  Pour Les Gardiens de la Coup Richelieu!

RI:                               [momentary stunned silence] Er, yes of course, your sacredness.  I think we can all be glad that was not necessary.  Um, will Brother Etienne LaFond still be coming personally to the United States for the ceremonial puck dropping next Monday?

BLP:                           Zat it is still not yet being decided.  Bro. Etienne, ee eez him a little, how you say in English, nuts?  Leesten, you are nice young fellow, yes,  but I myself, I must go now.  The brothers and I are watching "The Doberman Gang."  Eet eez our movie night here.  Goodnight now, okay?

RI:                               Yes, yes of course.  Thank you and enjoy the movie.

BLP:                           Oh, wait, eez heem that Secundo goal person still playing zee ockee weez dem?

RI:                               Ah, [Jim] Secunde, yes.  He's still starring in goal for the Gold team.  Why?

BLP:                           Tell heem for us we are expecting right now tout de suite full payment in Paree, France, of zat beelion dollar fine for what he himself did to the holy vessel!!  You tell him, okay?  You tell heem we watch heem, okay?  D'accord, yes?

RI:                               Yes, your sacredness, I'll tell him.  Enjoy the movie.  Bye.

 

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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Richelieu Cup Found!!!

PORTLAND, MAINE - Morning Hockey Club officials have announced that the world famous Cardinal Richelieu Cup has been found, just in time for the commencement of the Cup playoffs that begin Monday in Falmouth.

MHC ace Steve "Mr. Freeze" Freese issued the following bulletin late yesterday:

"The coveted Richelieu Cup has been found!! Due to its extensive travel itinerary, some minor repairs are in order. It will be returned Monday morning for the opening ceremonies and put on display for team blue cheese dogs to wonder...what if....members of blue cheese shall not speak of the cup until they earn it..."
 
The last known whereabouts of the Cup had been Las Vegas, Nevada, USA, where it was photographed during Freese's triumphal tour of sin city.  It had been feared that the Vegas showgirls pictured with Freese had been unwilling to let the Cup leave town.
 
"This is extraordinarily good news,"  said MHC Chief of Operations Don Simms.  League officials were quietly expressing concern that the famed flagon might not be located before play resumed Monday, when Bro. Etienne LaFond is expected to be in the United States for the opening ceremonies and the dropping of the first puck.  "We were not looking forward to having to explain to Brother Etienne and the Order that we had misplaced the Cup," Simms said.
 
Gold sharpshooter Matt "Dipsey Doodle Dandy" Noone, who captained the then Gold Weasels to the Cup last year, announced his return to active play and issued the challenge to the Blue Dogs.
 

"If noone had been there we would have won by 9. Challenge offered, challenge excepted! Can't wait until Monday. Better wear your shoulder pads bitches!"
Blue Dog star Gerry Nadeau was dismissive of Noone's remarks.  "I didn't even know he played Mondays," Nadeau quipped.  Team rosters and additional playoff coverage will appear here in the days to come as the hockey world eagerly anticipates this long awaited spectacle.

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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Hockey World Breaths a Deep Sigh of Relief - Despite NHL Lockout There Will Be Playoff Hockey!


By R. Inkrat, special to the New York Times

FALMOUTH, MAINE - With an apparent NHL lockout looming, hockey fans around the world have been thrilled to receive the news that there will be playoff hockey after all!  The Morning Hockey Club has announced the resumption of the celebrated Cardinal Richelieu Cup series this month, beginning Monday, September 17, in a repeat of the best of seven cup challenge played last year, with the Cup going to the (undeserving) Gold Weasels.

"I have to say it is a huge relief," said Boston Bruin Tyler Seguin, who has just extended his contract with the 2010 Stanley Cup champions.  "We don't seem to be getting anywhere in our negotiations for a new CBA.  It was looking like there may not be any top level hockey this season, or not until much later anyway."  Seguin's comments echoed those of many NHL players, though their enthusiasm seemed to dampen when this reporter told them they were not likely to be picked up by either of the MHC clubs for the Cup series.  "We understand that," said Bruin sparkplug Brad Marchand.  "We are not old enough or worn out enough to qualify for the MHC.  Maybe someday."

The teams for the famed flagon fixture were finally set this week by Gold captain Peter "Little Pete" Eremita.  He has petitioned the league to rename the Gold squad the "Honey Badgers," stating, "the weasel community objects to the use of the name 'Gold Weasels' as demeaning to weasels everywhere.  In respect for this we are asking the MHC to allow the name change."  No ruling has yet issued from MHC official circles, although MHC prexy Gerry Nadeau did allow the use of the name "Honey Badgers" in the official announcement of cup play.

If recent competition leading up the Cup series is any indicator, the competition should be fierce.  The last four Mondays in a row have seen the games between the Gold squad and the Blue Dogs decided by a single goal after the winning team has rallied to come from behind.  In future reports we will review the rosters and provide other reports on the upcoming classic.

In a related development Bro. Etienne DuFond of the religious foundation in France that has been the custodian of the sacred Richelieu Cup is said to be traveling to the United States to drop the puck on the opening faceoff.  Officials are scrambling to locate the Cardinal Richelieu Cup, which has not been seen since its delivery to the Gold Weasels last summer after the previous series.  One hopes that the Gold Weasels will not have to explain to Bro. Etienne the loss of the iconic ewer. 

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Correspondent R. Inkrat has been on hiatus due to shoulder surgery and a temporary (failed) transfer to the political beat.  Morning Hockey News has to settle for him to get  a story on the exciting developments reported above.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Gold Prevails in See Saw Tilt, Berman Nets Hat Trick

By R. Inkrat, Special to the Illustrated Hockey News

FALMOUTH, MAINE, FEBRUARY 22, 2012 - On this Ash Wednesday morning the Morning Hockey Club Blues watched their hopes of a win over Gold go up in smoke, as Gold rallied from behind to prevail 11-7 in a fast paced back and forth contest here. 

Gold jumped to a 2-0 lead on goals by Jeff Berman and Gary Ouellette.  Berman, who led all scorers with a hat trick, popped the first goal within seconds of the opening faceoff.  Ryan Foresman assisted on Ouellette's goal with a nice pass out front, and Foresman duplicated the move later in the contest on a goal by Mike Cousins.

Bryant Field sent a nice shot in from the point that beat Gold net minder Jim "Red Light" Secunde, who got a piece of it with his shoulder only to have it deflect into the cage.  Secunde was his usual brilliant self, ending with 31 saves, many stellar, in the losing effort.

Field's goal seemed to flip a switch for Blue as his goal was followed by goals by Steve Freese (2 goals) on a nice shot to the upper corner, Matt Fitzgerald,  Alec Newcomb, and Gerry Nadeau (2 goals), giving Blue the lead 5-2.  For awhile it looked like Blue was in control, but in MHC play nothing ever stays the same for long.  Momentum shifts often tell the tale.

Gold retook the initiative and positively peppered Blue backstop Walt "The Wall" Leland, swarming around the net.  Leland was amazing, finishing the game with 43 saves, but even he could not stave off the determined Gold squad as Eric Lagios (2 goals) tipped in a Leo Iacopucci drive to make the score 5-3 and Jason Willey's goal made it 5-4. 

Nadeau countered minutes later breaking in on Secunde for his second tally to make the score 6-4.  Then Berman kept the puck in the attacking zone as Blue nearly broke out, he wheeled left and came in on the net to score and bring Gold to within one at 6-5.  With about 29 minutes to play Gary Ouellette knotted the tally at 6-6, and minutes later Mike Cousins took a pass from Foresman to score and give Gold the lead, 7-6, which it never relinquished. 

Blue fought back.  Secunde stopped Nadeau three times in close to the net as Blue battled to get back level, and seconds later Leland made a beautiful save on Berman coming in on net as the back and forth action continued.  The edge went to Gold as Cousins scored again after Leland stopped two Gold shots in close but could not stop the third.  That was followed by goals from Berman, Lagios, and Iacopucci.  Lagios's goal was the highlight goal of the match as he came in alone on Newcomb defending and stick handled right, then left, before deftly popping the disc into the upper corner past a helpless Leland.  It was a remarkable move, and even Newcomb had to acknowledge he had been had.

Freese's second goal for Blue closed the scoring at 11-7 with less than two minutes to play.

Editor's Note:  Hockey correspondent R. Inkrat has been on special assigment covering the current health care crisis posing as a patient.  We still expect to receive occasional contributions until his return to regular hockey reporting.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Blues Prevail In Classic Morning Hockey Clash

Special Report to the New York Times by R. Inkrat

Portland, Maine, January 14, 2012 - In a busy weekend for all the major sports, one event took center stage, as the Morning Hockey Club squads faced off at the Cumberland County Civic Center here tonight.  The clubs play special matches at the CCCC periodically through the year and they are always spirited contests.  This one was perhaps the best calibre of play and pace of any of them.

The Blues ultimately prevailed over Gold 5-3 in the see saw battle that took the focus of the sporting world away from such lesser events as the NFL playoffs, Bruins NHL hockey, and the Boston Celtics.  "Those are all great," said one fan, "but nothing can compare to this."

An enthusiastic crowd variously estimated at 12-35 people watched as Blue jumped to an early two goal lead.  The second blue goal came on a nifty effort by Andy McGlauflin, who got his stick on a cross ice pass at hos own blue line and dashed all the way down the rink to score.

Minutes later Gold sniper Barry White got his club on the board with a brilliant rink length rush and goal of his own, making it 2-1. 

Goalies Tom Doucette and Gerry Anderson were brilliant at both ends of the ice, making save upon save as the two teams pressed the attack both ways.  Doucette kept the contest close all the way.  The Gold attack swarmed Anderson repeatedly, and it would be fair to say that without Anderson's standing on his head Gold could well have come out the winner.

Following the White goal, Blue ace Tim Boardman just missed scoring.  Anderson made two remarkable glove saves, and then Doucette rose to the occasion stopping two point blank shots from the slot. 

Jeff Berman leveled the score with a lovely goal from right in front, and minutes later White gave Gold a 3-2 lead on his second up ice dash finished with a nifty tuck in from the side of the net. 


As usual conditions in the CCCC were challenging, especially the unusual warmth contrasted to the familiar MHC surroundings at either Family Ice Center of Portland Ice Arena.  "It was very hot out there," commented Blue star Doug Pocock in the locker room after the game.


As the game progressed momentum shifted to Blue.  Chris Greenwood picked up a loose puck at the corner of the net and got it up over Doucette, who had already made two saves, to make the score 3-3.  Blue ace Gerry Nadeau just missed a goal before Matt Noone, always a factor, scored from the slot minutes later to give Blue the lead 4-3.  


Peter Carlisle added a fifth goal for Blue on a hard shot from the point that Doucette saved at first, but the puck fluttered in the air and somehow trickled in behind him.


Both clubs showed verve on the attack and steady defense, none steadier than Gold blueliner Scott Fone, who made a number of brilliant defensive plays in the losing effort, including sprawling full length at one point to knock the puck away from his own goal area and out of the zone.


"I don't know why the league scheduled our game on the same night as the MHC Classic," said Patriot quarterback Tom Brady, who has often chafed at the lack of attention paid to his club and to himself, before the match-up between New England and the Denver Broncos.  "We prepare the same way whether anyone will be watching or not," commented laconic Patriot coach Bill Belichick when told the MHC classic likely would distract many fans from the Pats Bills showdown, reportedly won by New England.


The Portland Pirates of the AHL lost the under card to Springfield 4-2 after the MHC tilt.


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Goalie