Sweet as Honey, Badgers 10 Dark Side 8

By R. Inkrat, St. Louis Post Dispatch Hockey Writer

Lineup Changes Produce Spirited Contest

FALMOUTH, MAINE, September 14, 2011 – The Morning Hockey Club Honey Badgers relied on a game winner by Leo “The Lion” Iacopucci (two goals) and a brilliant four-goal performance by sharpshooter Steve Freese to prevail 10-8 over the MHC Blues in regular season action here this morning.

Before the contest the squads were realigned by MHC Ombudsman Don Simms.  He took a lot of grief but his "strategery" proved on target. The contest flowed freely and was characterized by lead changes and even, up and down the ice play.  High flying Dark Side forwards Gerry Nadeau (hat trick), Scott Rheault, Stu Palmer, Travis Philips, and Jason Willey kept up constant pressure on the Gold defense and goal tender Walt “the Wall” Leland, who turned in another outstanding performance in net.

Doug Pocock turned in a Hall of Fame performance, scoring a hat trick early in the game before Gold was barely even on the board, and finishing with four goals of his own in the losing effort for the Blues.  His longer range strikes were beautiful to behold.

Freese also turned in a performance for the books and nearly had a fifth goal.  In addition to Freese’s marvelous maneuvers, Badger skaters Eric Lagios, Matt Fitzgerald, and Ryan Foresman (2 goals) put pressure on the rock solid Darkside defense, anchored by reliable big men Scott Fone and Bryant Field.  Gold gradually found the seams in the back line as the contest went on.  Traded from Gold to Blue, goalie Jim Secunde was stellar as usual in the net.

Peter “Sneaky Pete” Eremita and Frank Cerullo led the gold defense, bolstered by a fine performance by returning veteran and fierce competitor Paul Mullen, whose return after a long absence was welcomed by both clubs.

MHC Notes

In related news, we learned that FBI special agents have closed their investigation into the Secunde fine scandal and that the results will be turned over the United States Attorney’s office in Portland.

Leland continues to amaze in net, and is mobile for a big guy, outracing the speedy Rheault to a 50-50 puck this morning.

Philips turned in his usual flamboyant and spectacular performance despite often being hacked, tripped, and interfered with by Gold defenseman Bryan Dench, who obviously recognized his only chance to slow down the speedy Philips lay in chippy play.

Blue Dogs Vanquish Yellow Peril in Tighly Contested Game

By R. Inkrat, Morning Hockey Correspondent for the Philadelphia Inquirier


FALMOUTH, MAINE, SEPTEMBER 12, 2011 - Bookend goals by veteran sniper Gerry Nadeau led the Morning Hockey Blue Dogs to a 5-3 win over the Gold Weasels in Morning Hockey action today.  

The contest was close and hard fought, with up and down action and brilliant goal tending at both ends of the ice.  There was no score until Nadeau lit the lamp 12 minutes into the game.  Matt Fitzgerald made it 2-0 as Jim Secunde, scandal dogged Weasel netminder, made save after save but could not stop them all.  The Dogs peppered him with shots and the score easily could have gone higher than 2-0.


Cagey Weasel forward Ryan Foresman lit the lamp for the Weasels as Walt "The Wall" Leland finally missed one after amazing save after amazing save.  Then Tom Golebiewski gave the Hounds a 3-1 lead on a lovely shot to Secunde's stick side.  A questionable second Weasel goal was scored despite the fact that the Dog net was at least 4" out of position when the puck trickled in after a scramble.  

Peter Carlisle, skating up on the front line netted the fourth Canine marker.  Gold did not relent, however, and brought it up to 4-3 on a goal by Gary Ouellette .


Leland continued to make sparkling saves to preserve the Dog lead.  Secunde turned aside shot after shot.  But with minutes remaining Nadeau scored his second of the morning to ice the game for the Blues.


The assembled hockey writers were unable to agree on the First Star of the game and awarded it jointly to Secunde and Leland, who declined, however, to skate out onto the ice hand in hand  to acknowledge the crowd.  "I'm not that kind of guy," Secunde said afterwards.

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No One's Talking

National

Enquirer

By R. Inkrat, Special to the Inquirer

Portland, Maine, September 12, 2011-  morning hockey club officials remain mum on the investigation into alleged kickbacks by star goalie Jim "red light" secunde to pay off his $1 billion fine for tossing the revered richelieu cup into a backyard fire pit.  we continue to watch this story and will report further here.  today's mhc contest (see related story) seemed to give the lie to the allegations but mhc ombudsman don simms will be tasked with a confidential investigation, likely to involve the hiring of bill welch as independent counsel.

Michaels Recovering From Breakthrough Surgery

 By R. Inkrat, Special to the New England Journal of Medicine

 Doctors at the New England Hospital for Aged Athletes recently performed radical new surgery on injured Morning Hockey Club Goalie Glenn Michaels to repair a torn quadriceps muscle.

"Usually for a patient Glenn's age euthanasia would be the treatment of choice for any serious sports injury," said surgical team leader Dr. Sanjay Gufbahal.  "But this is something we have been wanting to try to see if it works, so we figured, what the heck why not?" 

 According to the surgical team, Michaels (pictured above during the procedure) was a real trooper as the surgeon sawed off his leg. “The operation was a complete success,” said Gufbahal.  "He really didn’t need that leg anyway. I believe a regimen of physical therapy and regular bleedings should have him up on his other foot in no time."

After Consulting with the NHL and hockey experts, it was decided to call the configuration of a  one-legged goalie resulting from this surgery a "6-hole." Since the area of the missing leg is next to the 5-hole, which no longer exists, the term seems appropriate.

Michaels said, “I consider myself fortunate to have had the best surgical care available.” He thanked MHC GM Gerry Nadeau for his recommendation the crack team at the NEHAA's Nadeau Experimental Surgery Division. 

“I thought the surgery would hurt,” Michaels noted. “Actually, it hurt less than Leo ("the Lion" Iacopucci) scoring on me."   He added, "And I wish Gerry had turned in some of those 4 and 5 goal games when I was playing.” 

Sports Medicine specialists from around the globe are expected to confer regarding Michaels' case when they gather in Portland this fall for the International Conference on Geriatric Athlete Injuries.   Meanwhile MHC fans worldwide continue to wish Michaels a speedy recovery.

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Morning Blues Triumph As Suspicions Swirl

National

Enquirer

By R. Inkrat, Special to the Enquirer

FALMOUTH, MAINE, September 8, 2011 – The Morning Hockey Club is looking into possible “kickback” charges swirling around star goal tender James “Jimmie” Secunde as the MHC Wednesday Blues continue their recent domination over Secunde’s Yellow club.

Wednesday morning the Blues beat Yellow 13-6, sparked by a five-goal performance by Blue forward Gerald “Gerry” Nadeau.  Nadeau set the tone early, skating into the crease seconds after the opening face off to tip a centering pass deftly past Secunde, who certainly appeared to have no chance on the play.  Blue quickly jumped to a 3-0 lead on Nadeau’s hat trick, and the onslaught continued.

Though multiple azure players scored in the contest, and though Nadeau is certainly skillful enough to score highlight goals without any help from Secunde, some observers could not help wondering if there might be some truth to rumors that Secunde has been allowing Nadeau to score to work off a huge fine.

Earlier in the season Secunde was fined $1 billion and 98 cents for “desecration” of a Morning Hockey Club artifact after pictures of him with the sacred Cardinal Richelieu Cup appeared all over the Internet.  In the picture Secunde was seated in a lawn chair while the famed flagon rested in the ashes of his back yard fire pit.  The MHC quickly responded to the world wide outrage this produced and imposed the historic fine on Secunde within a matter of days.  President Obama immediately apologized to French President Sarkozy and the people of France and the episode seemed to come to a close.

Since then Secunde has seemed remarkably blasé about paying off the fine.  First it was thought he would access federal stimulus money.  But then it turned out his share of the stimulus was needed to “create or save” a number of jobs in the Biddeford sanitation department.

When queried about how he was managing to pay off the fine, he responded evasively at first.  Then he stated, “Gerry (Nadeau) debits $151,454.92 for each goal he scores. I'm just about paid up...”  This scandalous claim was quickly disproved when Nadeau pocketed four markers in a subsequent game when Secunde was absent.  “Gerry scored 4 times on someone other than me?” Secunde remarked.  

Secunde’s claim was further called into question by the fact that Nadeau would have to score on him some 6,603 times to cancel the fine.  That could take a couple of months even for a prolific scorer like Nadeau.

“I don’t think he (Nadeau) needs any help to score goals,” said NHL Hockey commentator Gary Thorne, himself trained as a lawyer, “and I truly doubt that there is any such kickback arrangement.”  Maybe.  But the Inquirer will stay on the story and report all further developments on this site.

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Richelieu Cup Rally At Portland City Hall

Gold Weasel Matt Fitzgerald hoists the Richelieu Cup before

a throng (not shown) of excited Weasel Fans at Portland City Hall

By R Inkrat, London Times Ice Hockey Correspondent


PORTLAND, MAINE, AUGUST 29, 2011 - The Yanks really love their North American ice hockey, and nobody loves it more than the Golden Weasel fans of the Morning Hockey Club.  Consequently it was no surprise that the Weasel "rolling rally" to Portland's City Hall last week drew, well, a sizable crowd, if perhaps slightly smaller than expected.


Weasel star Matthew "Mattie" Fitzgerald, pictured above, carried the cup up the City Hall steps before a teeming throng of ecstatic Weasel fans, who unaccountably do not appear in the above photo (we have sacked the photojournalist who took the picture). 


As fans of the North American sport eagerly await the next Cup playoff. the Weasels and rival Blue Dogs have played a see saw regular schedule in recent weeks, with both clubs winning and losing close contests.  This morning's was typical, with the Weasels prevailing 9-8 despite a heroic 4-goal performance by Dog captain Gerald "Gerry" Nadeau, who had to drive hundreds of miles overnight in Hurricane Irene to secure an endangered vessel before returning to arrive at the rink this morning to lead his club.


The Cup has been turned over over to Weasel Richard "Gidge" Veilleux for the week.  Veilleux was heard trash talking in French to the Blue Dogs as he left with the famed flagon.  But the taunts were lost on his opponents who are barely literate in English at best, let alone understanding French. 


As a side note, we are informed at the Times that negotiations are under way to bring the Weasels to London for an exhibition match with a local club of North American Hockey enthusiasts.  Reportedly the main obstacle, one that may prove insurmountable, is the policy of Her Majesty's government prohibiting entry of "undesirable elements" into the United Kingdom.


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Weasels End Slide with 8-6 MHC win

By R. Inkrat, San Francisco Chronicle Hockey Writer

FALMOUTH, MAINE. AUGUST 22, 2011 - Goals by Matt "Dipsy Doodle Dandy" Noone and Peter "Pete" Eremita capped a late game rally by the Morning Hockey Club Gold Weasels and led them to an 8-6 win over the surging Blue Dogs, who had slapped the Weasels smartly in recent weeks but could not hold onto an early lead today.

The Dogs jumped to a 3-0 lead before the Weasels began to chip away and ultimately tied the contest at 4-4.  Leo "The Lion" Iacopucci's go ahead goal for Blue did not stand up and when the final buzzer sounded it was the Yellow menace that had prevailed.  

Both clubs were down a few players, and the Dogs were especially undermanned, with several players apparently absent due to book tours and autograph signings out of town.

As usual goal keepers Walt "The Wall" Leland and Jim "Red Light" Secunde were outstanding during extended stretches of end to end action.  Secunde continues to shine though playing under a cloud as he processes appeal after appeal of his $1 billion 98 cent fine for disrespect of a MHC relic, based on his scandalous treatment of the Cardinal Richelieu Cup after the Weasels (undeservedly) won the Cup during the last playoff series.  The Cup was at rink side this morning but appeared to have been spirited away by a shadowy figure who observers said resembled Brother Etienne Du Fond, the monk who escorted the Cup to the USA for the recent awards ceremony, and who reportedly was released from federal custody just last week.  The man who looked like Du Fond was heard shouting exhortations at Weasel Richard "Gidge" Veilleux, the Francophone star who performed well today and scored a key goal in the Weasel rally.  Club officials are seeking to recover the Cup and have put out a call to Weasel Cup players to determine who has not yet had his day(s) with the Cup.

Brian Linscott wants all his fans to know he "played a good game" this morning.

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