Morning Blues Triumph As Suspicions Swirl

National

Enquirer

By R. Inkrat, Special to the Enquirer

FALMOUTH, MAINE, September 8, 2011 – The Morning Hockey Club is looking into possible “kickback” charges swirling around star goal tender James “Jimmie” Secunde as the MHC Wednesday Blues continue their recent domination over Secunde’s Yellow club.

Wednesday morning the Blues beat Yellow 13-6, sparked by a five-goal performance by Blue forward Gerald “Gerry” Nadeau.  Nadeau set the tone early, skating into the crease seconds after the opening face off to tip a centering pass deftly past Secunde, who certainly appeared to have no chance on the play.  Blue quickly jumped to a 3-0 lead on Nadeau’s hat trick, and the onslaught continued.

Though multiple azure players scored in the contest, and though Nadeau is certainly skillful enough to score highlight goals without any help from Secunde, some observers could not help wondering if there might be some truth to rumors that Secunde has been allowing Nadeau to score to work off a huge fine.

Earlier in the season Secunde was fined $1 billion and 98 cents for “desecration” of a Morning Hockey Club artifact after pictures of him with the sacred Cardinal Richelieu Cup appeared all over the Internet.  In the picture Secunde was seated in a lawn chair while the famed flagon rested in the ashes of his back yard fire pit.  The MHC quickly responded to the world wide outrage this produced and imposed the historic fine on Secunde within a matter of days.  President Obama immediately apologized to French President Sarkozy and the people of France and the episode seemed to come to a close.

Since then Secunde has seemed remarkably blasé about paying off the fine.  First it was thought he would access federal stimulus money.  But then it turned out his share of the stimulus was needed to “create or save” a number of jobs in the Biddeford sanitation department.

When queried about how he was managing to pay off the fine, he responded evasively at first.  Then he stated, “Gerry (Nadeau) debits $151,454.92 for each goal he scores. I'm just about paid up...”  This scandalous claim was quickly disproved when Nadeau pocketed four markers in a subsequent game when Secunde was absent.  “Gerry scored 4 times on someone other than me?” Secunde remarked.  

Secunde’s claim was further called into question by the fact that Nadeau would have to score on him some 6,603 times to cancel the fine.  That could take a couple of months even for a prolific scorer like Nadeau.

“I don’t think he (Nadeau) needs any help to score goals,” said NHL Hockey commentator Gary Thorne, himself trained as a lawyer, “and I truly doubt that there is any such kickback arrangement.”  Maybe.  But the Inquirer will stay on the story and report all further developments on this site.

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