Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Secunde Hangs Up His Pads

By R. Inkrat, Special to Pravda
FALMOUTH, MAINE, DECEMBER 4, 2012 - The Morning Hockey Club will be losing one of the great all time goaltenders according to an announcement by league GM Gerald Nadeau yesterday.  The brief statement issued by the MHC began, "Jimmy “the Glove” Secunde has decided to hang up his goalie pads.  He has some back issues that could become serious if he continues bouncing around between the pipes."
This is the second net minding great forced to give up the backstopping role in recent years, as fans worldwide remember the recent retirement of Glenn Michaels over similar health issues.

Among other achievements during his stellar puck stopping career, Secunde led the legendary Gold Weasels to their successful run to capture the inaugural Cardinal Richelieu Cup series.  A converted forward, Secunde applied himself with unparalleled diligence to the art of getting hit with the puck and often amazed with his dazzling saves and position play, especially those patented helmet and face mask stops.

With characteristic modesty, Secunde said, "I had more fun than you could imagine, just a little disappointed I could never play quite as well as I wanted." 

The good news is that Secunde will continue to skate with the MHC, returning to the forward position come springtime.  "I'm hoping to work my way back into some sort of aerobic fitness, so I'll be there for the upcoming Monday skates, and will probably poach a few other sessions here and there, as well."   

"Jim, we can’t thank you enough for the effort you put in," Nadeau said, "your sense of humor and the great attitude you have while playing, we all should take note. You’re a great sport and we’ll miss you."

Secunde's career was not without controversy, however, as he was subjected to the largest fine in MHC history over the Richelieu Cup for "desecration of a relic" when he placed the eulogized ewer in his fire pit and posed for a photo that due to his celebrity quickly went viral.  He has been working off the $ 1 billion fine ever since and was reportedly considering taking up a career as a male model to garner the cash needed to retire it.  In a surprise move, however, league officials have announced that given Secunde's decision to trade goalie pads for shin pads the fine is being forgiven.  Neither Secunde nor league officials would comment for the record but anonymous sources confirm that the league decided to remit the penalty in recognition of Secunde's other contributions to Morning Hockey.

The MHC also announced that another outstanding forward, Jamie Paschal, who has been filling in ably for Secunde here and there, will be taking over in net on both Monday and Wednesday going forward.  Paschal's early performances have shown he will be a capable successor to Secunde and all MHC players welcomed the announcement.

We know all good things come to an end, but the semi retirement of Secunde is bittersweet for all MHC players and fans worldwide, who will miss his unique style between the pipes. "It's like when Bobby Orr retired," said MHC fan Shawn O'Hara of South Boston, "but maybe a little worse. But at least we know Jimmy will still be out there with the club."



Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Richelieu Cup Leads to Medical Breakthrough

By R. Inkrat, Special to the New England Journal of Medicine

FALMOUTH, MAINE - In addition to the excitement provoked everywhere it goes, the revered Cardinal Richelieu Cup has also now been a part of medical history, as it has been found to be key to a hitherto unknown treatment for shingles.

Morning Hockey Club Blue Dog scoring machine Gary DiLisio, also a qualified physician, discovered during his "day with the Cup" that the famed flagon was the perfect device for mixing and delivering a solution that treats the chronic condition successfully.  "I think it's something in the metal of the Cup," DiLisio said, "that creates a chemical reaction with the solution, increasing its effectiveness multiple times."
The Cup in the Hospital

Results are not all in yet but it appears the medicinal brew prepared in the Cup is also good for acid reflux, hemorrhoids, and erectile dysfunction, though control group testing on those conditions is not yet complete.  After metallurgical studies are finished on the Cup attempts will be made to duplicate its composition so that vessels with the same properties can be produced world wide.

Curiously, however, Dr. Fritz Freiling of the National Science Foundation, who is conducting the tests, reported that so far the scientists have not been able to determine with certainty the Cup's metallurgical properties let alone duplicate them. "Ve fear dat ze Cup is maybe one of a kind," Freiling said at a press conference yesterday.  So while the scientific and medical communities are hailing DiLisio's breakthrough, serious doubts about our ability to duplicate it linger. 

            The good doctor's experimentation with the Cup in veterinary applications proved less successful. DeLisio attempted to administer the solution to farm animals, using the Cup, but with little success.  "I think it has to be confined to humans," he remarked.
      Dr. "D" and unwilling "patient"

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Cup Celebrations Continue

FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 31, 2012 - Richelieu Cup fever continues to boil over as the Morning Hockey Club Blues have their individual "days with the cup," although the performance of individual hounds has been mixed at best.

Most recently, Cup MVP Walt Leland spent a couple of days with the famed flagon, but disappointed by providing no photos or video of the occasion. 

Likewise Blue sharpshooter Gerry Nadeau had the cup, and unaccountably chose to leave it in his mouldering hockey bag for a couple of days before turning it over to Jay Hallet (no reports from him as of this writing).  This is especially disappointing, as Nadeau is being sent to Hawaii to follow up on presidential birth certificate leads, and could have taken the Cup with him for suitable display!  Recall the honor paid to the Cup by Steve "Mr. Freeze" Freese when he spent his "days with the Cup" bringing the valued vessel to Las Vegas where throngs of MHC fans were waiting for the celebration.  Hockey lovers around the world are wondering whether some of these guys "get it."

Blue defense anchor Brian Linscott did better, bringing the cup to inspire a crowd of young soccer players, whose enthusiasm for the Cup triumph couldn't be contained.  Linscott is pictured below offering the impressionable youngsters a thrilling moment of opportunity to view and actually touch the historic trophy.

Brian Linscott (back to camera) Displays Richelieu Cup

"I think some of the guys are just worn out after the Cup series," said ESPN hockey pundit Barry Melrose.  "It takes so much out of you to win the Richelieu Cup.  That may explain why the celebrations this season are a little weak."

Hockey correspondents R. Inkrat, F. Inkrat, and D. Inkrat contributed to this story.
- 30-

Monday, October 15, 2012

MHC Bleus Post 7-4 Win, Take Richelieu Cup

By R. Inkrat, Morning Hockey Correspondent to the Chicago Sun Times
(c) 2012 by R. Inkrat, used without permission 

FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 15, 2012 - The Morning Hockey Blue Dogs rallied for a 7-4 win over the Gold Honey Badgers to claim the coveted Cardinal Richelieu Cup this morning.

In this second playoff series for the famed flagon the hounds won four in a row after an opening game tie, putting an exclamation mark on their post season sprint to the Cup.  The Cup awards ceremony followed immediately after the contest.

Playoff MVP Walt "The Wall" Leland was awarded the first tour with the "charmed chalice" after standing on his head all morning to thwart a determined Badger attack.  Leland made key save upon key save to limit the Gold sharpshooters to 4 markers.  At the other end of the ice, Jim Secunde was also brilliant as the multi-talented Blue forwards attacked in wave upon wave and peppered him with shots.

Gold opened the scoring and held an early 3-1 lead.  Les Bleus rallied, however, to knot it at 3-3 and then take a 4-3 lead.  Gold fought back to tie it 4-4.  The contest remained even for some minutes but gradually the persistent Blue offense, led by Gerry Nadeau, broke through for goals 5 and 6. 

Hockey analysts will be studying this series for months to come, but ESPN's veteran puck philosopher Barry Melrose observed, "It is becoming clear the key to Cup play is Brian Linscott.  Whichever team has Linscott wins."  In this the mullet-maned maven was correct, as Linscott won the cup last series with the Gold Weasels, as they were then known, and this time backstopped Blue in its successful Cup run.  Linscott, who seems to be suffering from a delusion about a team he was on coming back from a 3-0 deficit in some past playoff series, "played a good game" today and has been solid all series.

Canine JJ Mokarzel was in a celebratory mood after the tilt.  He visited the locker room occupied by several downcast Gold teammates to "look for a broom."  This prompted many observers to remember that in game 3 Mokarzel had been "lent" to Gold for the match, leading to speculation that his role may have been more saboteur than savior.  This is only one of several "irregularities" that will be investigated before the Cup win becomes official.  Meantime MHC records will reflect it with an asterisk.

That said, the Blue Dogs played a superb series and deserved to win.  We congratulate them and look forward to the next Cardinal Richelieu Cup playoff!
Leland (middle with Cup) and Blue Dogs Celebrate



Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Replacement Official Controversy Hits Morning Hockey

By F. Inkrat, Technical Correspondent to the Toronto Globe & Mail

FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 10, 2012 - This morning's Morning Hockey Club contest between the Gold and Blue squads ended with cross complaints of inaccurate scorekeeping after the mysterious appearance of a replacement scorekeeper.  When the final horn sounded, the scoreboard showed Gold ahead 10-9, but there are serious doubts about that score's accuracy.

The bizarre scoreboard kept during this morning's MHC tilt

The Blues pulled to an early 3-0 lead, only to have Gold rally but after the first 35 minutes the score was still 7-4 Blue.  "Then we scored at least two more goals that were never put up on the board," said Blue defenseman Bryan Dench.  Gold then "scored" a fifth goal that clearly appeared to ricochet off the iron and straight out but was tallied by replacement scorekeeper Paul Mullen, who inexplicably arrived at the rink and largely displaced regular scorekeeper and ombudsman Don Simms.

The Golden Oldies popped a series of quick goals and suddenly had a putative 8-7 lead that they then extended to 9-7.  The clubs exchanged goals and Blue kept battling to bring it to a recorded score of 10-9 before time ran out.

However, if the phantom Gold goal that actually hit the post were not counted, and if the two or more unrecorded moody Blue goals had been logged, the true score would have been 11-9 for the aged Azures.

Gold players interviewed after the tilt were reluctant to defend the scoring and none would speak for the record.  It is unclear what the explanation is for the apparent lockout of Simms and what action, if any, the Morning Hockey Club will take.


Monday, October 8, 2012

Blue Dogs Take a Commanding Lead in Richelieu Series

By R. Inkrat, Illustrated Hockey News
FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 8, 2012 - Blue Dog ace Gerry Nadeau scored the first goal of the game and the Morning Hockey Club Blue Dogs never looked back, winning a hard fought contest 8-5 to take a commanding 3-0 lead in games in the celebrated Cardinal Richelieu Cup playoffs here today. 

          The mood in the Dog locker room was celebratory indeed on this Columbus Day holiday.  "No team in Morning Hockey history has ever come back from a 3-0 deficit," observed Blue defender William "Wild Bill" Arnold.  Of course, this was merely stating the obvious, as no MHC club has ever rallied from ANY deficit to win the cherished chalice.  The Gold Honey Badgers (f/k/a Weasels), who are the defending Richelieu champions, were resolved to turn the Titanic around, however, and pointed out that they were again short some of their key scoring snipers who were unable to make the match.

          The game was scoreless for nearly 10 minutes before Nadeau broke the ice to give the Dogs a 1-0 lead they never relinquished.  They led by as much as 7-2 before the Badgers clawed their way back to within three.  But the hounds held and the Badger comeback ran out of time as the final horn sounded.

          Badger forward Eric Lagios had the goal of the game taking an outlet pass the length of the rink to tuck the puck past stellar Blue netminder Walt "The Wall" Leland.  Gold got solid goaltending at the other end from Jim Secunde, who continues to play brilliantly despite financial problems caused by the $1 billion fine he is still working off for last year's sordid episode when he was pictured smirking at the famed flagon sitting in the ashes of his fire pit. 

Lagios tears in to score highlight goal

Play resumes next Monday with the Honey Badgers, backs to the wall, facing elimination, with only one chance left, seeing their series slip away, etc., etc.



Sunday, October 7, 2012

Richelieu Cup Play Resumes Columbus Day!

By R. Inkrat, Morning Hockey Correspondent to Reuters

FALMOUTH, MAINE, OCTOBER 7, 2012 - As New England shuts down for the Columbus Day holiday, all eyes will be on the Family Ice Center where Richelieu Cup playoff action resumes tomorrow. So far the series has been a real barn burner, with the Blue Dogs reportedly holding a 2-0 lead over the Gold Honey Badgers.

Game one saw a draw at 7-7, which, though controversial and still under review, set the tone.

Game two was a narrow 8-7 win by Blue on a last minute, literally, tip in by Gerry Nadeau.

Because your correspondent was on sick leave for scheduled Game three, it is impossible to verify that the game in fact took place.  Unconfirmed reports state that Gold was severely undermanned but had a comfortable two goal (the coach's nightmare) lead only to be overtaken by a flurry of unanswered Blue goals with time running down.  This improbable scenario struck most observers as too much to swallow.  However, assuming its veracity, this would give Blue a 2-0 series lead heading into tomorrow's contest.

With every game close and fiercely contested the hockey world is going to be watching closely to see whether the full Gold squad will "show up" and seize the momentum, or Blue will continue eking out wins.  No Morning Hockey club has recovered from a 3-0 deficit in Richelieu play, so the Honey Badgers are not going to want to let the Blue lead increase.