$1B Fine to Secunde Overshadows Yellow MHC Win

Special Report by R. Inkrat, Reuters Hockey and International Affairs Correspondent

FALMOUTH, MAINE, July 21, 2011 – The Morning Hockey Club has fined goalie Jim Secunde $1,000,000,000.98 for a violation of league Rule 34.55-T (H) (7), “Irreverence Toward A Club Relic,” for desecrating the revered Richelieu Cup over the weekend, overshadowing a dramatic 7-5 win by the Yellow squad Wednesday morning.

Secunde was the first Gold Weasel to have the Cup for a day after Friday’s official Cup presentation ceremony.  Gold Weasel player/coach Matt Noone bestowed the honor on Secunde in recognition of his stellar goaltending in the Weasels’ run to the Cup.   

However, over the weekend Secunde circulated a picture of himself lounging in a lawn chair beside a fire pit with the famed flagon lying in the ashes.  It produced widespread outrage in hockey circles. Worse, Brother Etienne DuFond, the emissary of Les Gardiens de la Coup Richelieu who escorted the world famous cup to the United States from France, still in Federal custody after an incident at Customs in New York,  issued a bitter statement against Secunde’s actions upon seeing the images online and threatened if released to find Secunde to teach him a lesson. “Je vais lui botter le cul,” Du Fond threatened, “I will kick his ass.”

League officials imposed the substantial fine in order to stave off an international incident and in hopes of protecting Secunde from worse retaliation by Les Gardiens.   

 According to official sources the normal fine for such an action would be $1 billion and the $0.98 addition was for the smirk on Secunde’s face.  Secunde was unflappable as usual, and stated he would have “no problem” raising the fine from Federal Stimulus Monies available to the waste recycling industry.

Meanwhile the Yellow Club posted a dramatic 7-5 win over Blue Wednesday morning.  Leo “the lion” Iacopucci’s late goal to give Yellow a 6-5 lead proved to be the game winner, as the final 7-5 tally resulted from a rink length slap shot into an empty net by Alec Newcomb after Blue pulled standout goalie Glenn Michaels in a desperate bid for a tie.  Yellow was anchored by goalie Walt “The Wall” Leland, filling in for Secunde, who obviously did not dare show his face at the rink after his weekend prank.

The see-saw contest included a controversial incident when yellow was up 2-1 and blue appeared to tie the score at 2-2 on an apparent goal by GM Gerry Nadeau, but it was later ruled his shot from a scramble in front had hit the post and not gone in.  "They said it hit the post," Nadeau commented after the game.  Asked if he would be protesting the call, Nadeau was characteristically magnanimous saying, "No, it's over, so let it stand."  Blue overcame an early yellow lead and actually took the lead itself at 5-4 before yellow came back and set up the Iacopucci winner.

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